And we’re back in the saddle, wielding the mighty lance of truth and scientific endeavor against the black knight of stupid dietary fads and quickly greenwashed wool pulled firmly over the eyes of its followers.

Not everything is better with Bacon

I’ve never been a fan of dietary restrictions. With them comes, generally as a prerequisite, often an annoying need to proselytize, ignore facts while playing talking points into the stratosphere. From PETA buffoons comparing themselves and animals to the victims of the Holocaust, to salivating dweebs storming a butcher and demanding to have their anti-meat diets served. Not to mention the death threats and images of family members with superimposed cross-hairs sent to chefs and butchers, and more.

Head into your favorite store and you’ll find quite a few “gluten free” products. Many which had been that way for decades (there’s no gluten in SunnyD, only extremely unhealthy sugary goop), but now sport the logo. In a brilliant marketing move, a small industry catering to the less than one tenth of one percent of all Americans suffering from coeliac disease, managed to convince a much broader audience of the evils of an inherently non-evil foodstuff, boosting their sales of often overpriced “dietary solutions”.

And, not unlike any old bad religion, the psychology of dogma stands – the more it is dispelled, the tighter its followers will hang onto it.

Try arguing with a vegan. Ever tried arguing immaculate conception with a nun? Don’t.

Ever eaten a tomato in November? Your friendly neighborhood nagging vegan did. That tomato, together with tens of thousands of its watery friends, came from Mexico. Raised “organically” on a swath of land wrest from the arms of mother nature through aggressive deforesting. Huge container trucks load the hydroponic abominations into their bellies, hurrying north to serve those who love their tomato and lettuce main course. Huge veins of asphalt and gravel connect the fields to the main interstates, built on top of natural habitats, killing more than one species for good. Extinction, apparently, as well as anti-environmental building and maintenance of farms isn’t part of the things that make stuff non-organic. But, hey, we didn’t use any fertilizer.

On its way north, truckers tell, it’s not uncommon to be stopped by waylaying thugs, crooked cops, and cartel employees. There’s good money making with those tomatoes.

Bite into it, go ahead. No animal was slaughtered for your dinner. Sure, you’re supporting the cartels that deal in human trafficking, the extinction of a few species, and the workers at that farm aren’t what you’d call in a good employment situation, but – hey – Stanley the Steer wasn’t harmed.

Ethics, it’s what’s for dinner. Just a question of what gets your ire up. Me, I prefer not to extinct species, support human traffickers, or support the work standards of those farms, but … hey, if it’s Stanley you’re more concerned about I’ll respect that.

The Baconkini... No, really, how can ANYONE resist that?

Apply enough pressure, and carbon turns into diamonds. Some people don’t want to wait those six million years, so pressure is applied now. Mainly, and chiefly, on us – the consumer. Watch your carbon footprint, people. And food, it turns out, has a huge carbon footprint. At least, so the vegan who spat in my face during a lamb cooking demo, meat does. Apparently vegetables are transported on unicorn laughter and carried across rainbows by leprechauns.

So says the vegan: “but as the end-user, rather than feeding it to an intermediary, I save a round-trip”. And right they are. No denying that. Which is, let’s face it, the main reason we need to re-think our diets.

Meat has become the staple of our plates. Cutting down on its consumption, introducing fresh, local, seasonal, vegetables as the stars into our dishes, makes sense. Talk to your butcher. Find someone who raises, slaughters, and sells locally. Offset the higher cost by eating less, but better. Six ounces of grass fed, local, beef beat the 20oz Mega Mart abomination every day. Talk to your farmers at the market. Most often they not only know what’s in season, they also have great ideas on how to cook it. Don’t expect to find every food source within driving distance, but take the time on a Sunday to find one new source that’s local. Use it. Reward the farmers and ranchers.

I’m no Alice Waters. I know how to cook, I am better looking, and I don’t have millions at my disposition. I also won’t tell you to blow your financial wad on hipster-approved “locavore organic” food. There’s more to this than chain burger or $8 organic egg. There’s a balance. One that supports our environment, promotes health, supports local businesses, and does more for the people, livestock, and landscape needed to produce food than any vegan diet…

Cut out T.G.I McShitBurger and move away from chain food sellers. The fundamental flaw in a vegan’s mind is simple: we can not change our food production by ignoring it. Greenwashing the atrocious means even vegan food is produced might help one’s own sense of guilt, but our planet doesn’t suffer less. Instead of looking away, work with those who are the mortal enemies of factory farming and CAFO – the local grower. Support their defense against the bullies at Monsanto and ConAgra, help keep a small farm or ranch alive by buying there instead. For every rancher still working out there, CAFO gets a big punch into it’s endlessly money lactating teat. And that’s good.

In one aspect, I guess we agree, the vegans and I: think before you chew. If that steer you’re gobbling down hailed, errm.. mooed, from the lush manure pastures of California CAFO Co., you better skip it. If that tomato, red and all watery, comes from Mexico, drop it like it’s hot. Buy local, support your farmers and ranchers, spend that extra minute talking to your butcher and the guy who sells radishes at the Farmers Market. You won’t regret it, it’s leagues tastier, and the environment will be much better for it.

And that’s where it all comes down to earth. Sloganeering, willful ignorance, and reliance on tainted “scientific” studies doesn’t serve omnivores or vegans well. Someone once asked, “is veganism a mental disease?” I disagree. But it’s as sad a mindset as that of the guy buying BurgerMc every day or getting their meat from Walmart. Willfully ignorant. And nothing pisses me off more than smug bastards ignoring the facts while declaring themselves superior to me based on flawed reasoning. That and, oh, those letters with cross-hairs over their children’s faces “asking” chefs to stop serving meat.

Next time someone wants to greenwash their guilt ridden diet, do me a favor. Ask them to think. Get informed. Learn about nutrition and the source of our foods. For one of those things we need to survive, food has become, sadly, quite a never-thought-much-of commodity.